No, I can't see things the way you see it cuz I can't even imagine spending 6 months away from you.

THOUGHT: To be honest, I never thought I'd be the one holding you back

THOUGHTS: Sometimes, good things fall apart so that better things can fall together -- Marilyn Monroe
I find it simply amazing how before it felt like I was let down time and time again. Right when I thought my troubles were over, I was proven wrong. Yet, without those things going wrong, things wouldn't be so right now. So, I tell you, when things seem so out of control and you feel helpless, just let the rain pass on its own. But that isn't to say that you can simply sit back and everything will be okay. Take the opportunities you're given, put all you have into it and if it fails, put your heart into the next opportunity and eventually all those failed opportunities will accumulate to one amazing opportunity.

THOUGHT: My brain knows that you love me, but why does my heart feel so sad?
I feel like we're slipping. I know that I've pulled away, but that's because I want to assert my independence and I don't want to be swayed by every little thing. I text less, I tell you I love you and I miss you less and instead I pile up. But that's only because I don't want to have to wait for your reply and I don't want that feeling where it feelings like you're busy and you merely typed the quickest reply you could think of. I want to feel like you actually care about what I say. I don't want to feel like I'm talking to a wall. I don't tell you I miss you because I want you to tell me you miss me because honestly, I don't know if you do. I want to be able to look at you and be able to think "yea he loves me" I want to know that he'd die without me.
AH I DON'T KNOW.
We're making progress with his friends though. It's getting .. easier I think. It's so easy for him though. He doesn't have to make any sacrifices. I don't even ask him to translate. I just pretend like I understand what's going on .. bjaeuiot4yhdn bkjthr;wyao;weihlnbgfiupsyh[JJBGH'[0AJKJKH'[rm ,bnsp;iaoldm., vmfnbjtaeo'pwrieoavjkxdmf UISEHTAIWO;EKDNMJFKDSA mjldikfanmc hjbao;jmfhjdlvsb8iohraebwfldshjuafvndbuiadhfiusdajfiewaqgnrieskzmadsa
ewapgnbjxl

that's what's up

THOUGHTS: it sucks being a mistake ...
Having the feeling of something just dangling in front of you .. so close to perfection but unattainable is such a heartbreaking feeling. This summer could have been good but now I won't be able to do anything but wonder "what if" no matter what path I choose. If I choose to do the "right" thing I'll be sacrificing my time and likely have to endure torture. If I choose to do the selfish thing, I'll feel guilty and wonder if maybe I stayed those two weeks he'd be happier.

If I choose to stay I'll have to endure the hours checking in, waiting for the flight, the 15h plane ride and then the baggage retrieval and everything by myself. I don't have the heart to just tune him out and simply ignore him by doing my own thing. He'll surely want to talk, complain, and lecture as if he's granting me vast knowledge with his life's wisdom. My dad says "you'll fall asleep right when you get on". Are you joking? I've even stopped falling asleep in the car half the time.

He doesn't know me, he couldn't possibly know me. For one, he's got terrible memory and two, he was gone for most of my "identity defining" stage. I just like to pretend that maybe my family's whole, and that I'm not the only one trying to hold it together. I mean I don't want us to have family outings all the time or have family meetings or anything like that. But dinner would be nice. Having everyone in the same house would be nice too. It really isn't fair. My brother and sister got to have everyone throughout high school and throughout university, well no my sister graduated a bit after they left. But me, the youngest and the mistake child giving me a difference of 9 years with my sister and 11 with my brother, I supported myself. It's just not fair. I want the comfort, I want the security, I want the warmth. Now it's just me and my dad trying to salvage the family. But I think he just wants to be needed and wants to feel like "DAD". I on the other hand, am picking up the pieces of my family and storing it away in a box, attempting to treasure what's left. I am never doing this to my kids. I'd rather move the whole family than live continents away. I wonder how different things would have been if I left with them.

The good thing is that the rest of my life is very close to perfect actually. Things could be better with my fiance but I'm starting to see the light in the darkness. The change is slow, but it's there.

ANYWAYS: back to the problem at hand.
If I come back at the time that was planned I will have a better check-in, plane ride and etc. with my brother and sister. I will also gain two weeks with my hubby + friends and hopefully find work within the time. But my grandpa will also lose two possible weeks he could have had with family. But would he not be glad for the three weeks that he did get? I mean I'm pretty sure the two extra weeks was my dad's idea. I'm doubtful my grandpa would have said "Oh I'd love to stay two more weeks but I'm afraid to come back alone." I wish Ken or Eva could go with him but I suppose I shouldn't push my problems onto someone else.

Argh, I don't know. I love my grandpa and all but his crabby attitude really doesn't make me want to sacrifice anything for him. I am doubtful he will bicker any less simply because he stayed two extra weeks in Hong Kong ..

This sucks, everything always falls on Elaine. Elaine has to spend time with grandpa and make him happy. Elaine has to spend time with dad and make him happy. Elaine has to help dad because no one else is available. But Elaine gets so much .. it's only right she gives back is it not? But she doesn't want to lose two weeks! Two weeks is a looong time.

I don't want to ride the plane by myself, I'm scared.

THOUGHT: I took a puppy before his 4 weeks with his mom were over and now he's dying. I can't keep him.

THOUGHT: The days when I really miss you and I really need, there is no antidote. All I can do is go to sleep and hope that with the rising of the sun, the desire is not gone but different, quenchable.
It's days like tonight that make the thought of the next couple years absolutely unbearable. I spend at least half my day hoping and waiting for that text to call you. I can't wait to hear your voice and I can't wait for you to tell me about your day. But when the time comes, we're both too distracted by the lack of intimacy. My roommate's a couple meters away, I'm trying to whisper and your trying to hear every word that I say. I wish there was a way to change the situation. I wish my roommate didn't sleep so early. I wish you didn't get home so late. I wish university wasn't necessary.
-Cause when it's going good, it's going great. But when it's bad, it's awful.

- See the world
- Get a two pac
- Complete my bucket list
- Grow two inches

April 2009
May 2009
June 2009
July 2009
August 2009
September 2009
October 2009
November 2009
December 2009
January 2010
February 2010
March 2010
April 2010
May 2010
July 2010
August 2010
September 2010
October 2010
February 2011
March 2011
May 2011

Designer
Image Cursors